


Journal

by turbulentsky



Category: Cobra Starship, The Academy Is...
Genre: M/M, Mental Health Issues, Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-10-18
Updated: 2013-10-19
Packaged: 2017-12-29 17:45:39
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,429
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1008258
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/turbulentsky/pseuds/turbulentsky
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <em>They all say you’re gone. I wish I could believe it. I wish I could let you go.</em>
</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Ok so I wrote this for my friend's birthday and it is gabilliam but I wrote it in a letter style mis of first and second person so there are no actual names in it. It's through Gabe's pov and the "you" is William.

_September 23_

The room constricted when you walked in. The walls grew small and suffocating, everything froze in place. It was a moment to remember, the look in your eyes. That look that still haunts me now, watching from the corner of my mind. They say I’m better now, that all the pills I’m being force fed are going to take you away. But you’re still there, watching from the sidelines. I can feel you and it hurts. It hurts so much that you’re nearly gone, that you chose to hurt me. Sometimes I call for you when the night becomes too stifling. I call and sob and imagine I can see your eyes among the stars. You never come back to me though. They all say you’re gone. I wish I could believe it. I wish I could let you go.

_September 31_

I’ve never had that firm a grip on reality, they told me that you leaving pushed me off the edge. This was supposed to be journal, something to help. It’s more like a letter you’ll never receive though. Thing’s haven’t been the same but they let me go home at least, told me I’ll be okay if I keep taking the pills. Said that you’d stay away. I haven’t taken anything in over a week. I sit in the kitchen at night waiting, hoping you’ll come back to me again. It hasn’t worked yet, I’m starting to lose hope. I don’t know what to do now. I love you.

_October 3_

I heard you singing last night, I couldn’t sleep and I heard your voice in the wind. I make myself wake up completely but it was too late and you were gone. I’m waiting again. I know you’re there. I know you’re real no matter what anyone else said. I knew you couldn’t just leave me with only a note. I still remember finding you, lying there covered in blood. I can’t forget that. I can’t forget anything. I have so much I need to know, please come back to me. Please.

_October 5_

The days are getting harder to get through, I haven’t been able to leave the house. The sheets have stopped smelling like you and I haven’t seen another trace since your voice. People are worried, they don’t understand. I need you here with me, I need to see you again. I never got to say goodbye. I just want another chance. It killed me to know that maybe I could’ve stopped you. I could’ve seen the signs, stopped you from leaving. But I denied it because I didn’t want to believe you weren’t happy. I thought all that sadness you carried around would go away, you always told me I made things better. I wish I could have fixed you. I was supposed to fix you. But now you’re dead and gone and I could’ve stopped it. I could’ve saved you. I’m so sorry.

_October 7_

I saw you yesterday. You were smiling at me. You said it wasn’t my fault and you miss me. Said you were lonely. I don’t know what to do with myself now, everything’s raw and I haven’t eaten in days. I don’t know what I can do for you now. I told you I loved you and you told me you knew. I’ll be waiting again tonight. I miss you.

_October 9_

You came again tonight. It’s been days and I was beginning to lose hope. You told me to come with you, that I didn’t have to hurt anymore. I told you I didn’t know what to do. You left me then, faded away with the wind and didn’t come back when I called for you. I’m still calling for you, I need you here. I’m sorry. 

October 11

I see you in every mirror I own, every window and reflective surface. You dance among the stars when I look up at night and sing with the wind. It hurts and I need to be with you. I’ll come with you. I need to see your face again. I’ve got it all planned out now. There’s a gun in my bedside drawer. I’ll be with you soon.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this is more of a companion piece than a second chapter. This is through William's pov but again no names were actually mentioned.

Dying was painful. It was regret. I felt my eyes close and thought that was the end but then I was watching it all. I was watching myself slowly bleed out, I watched myself take my last breath. And I regretted it, I regretted it from the moment I felt myself slipping into unconsciousness. I regretted it most when he found me. I saw the fear, the denial and absolute terror in his eyes. I was there and I couldn’t help him. I couldn’t tell him it wasn’t his fault. I tried to speak, I tried to comfort him but nothing was getting through. He couldn’t hear me no matter how loud I called his name, no matter how much I cried and begged him to see me. I didn’t think I’d have to see the pain in his eyes. I thought I’d be gone. I thought he could move on, forget about me. I wanted the pain to end but I had only made it worse.

I never knew what an effect it would have on him, he never seemed to acknowledge I was sad.

I watched him slowly break apart. I saw the way the pain got into his eyes. He was okay up to the funeral. He broke then, fell apart and ran home, the place we always called ours. I screamed at him, I told him I was there. That I loved him and didn’t want to leave him. I had never wanted to leave him or hurt him or make him cry. I tried so hard. He never heard a word. I saw him shatter then, he was seeing something I couldn’t. He talked to it and called it by my name. 

I couldn’t help him and he was taken away to that white place I had always hated so much. He didn’t want to die like I had though, he wanted me to be with him. I sang to him every night but he never heard, I watched him cry and break time over time over time. They put him on meds, locked him up alone and let him bleed his emotions out until he was empty. I tried to help, I tried so hard to keep him alive. l didn’t know how sick he was until I read his journal. I didn’t know he thought he saw me, he thought I was there with him. But it wasn’t me, I never did the things he said I did. I saw him fake being okay enough to leave. I tried to get him to take his meds but I couldn’t do anything. I could only watch and pray and beg with whatever higher power there was out there. I read what he wrote, I know he did it because he wanted to see me.

His desperation killed me. I was there, I needed to be with him but I couldn’t. It was a punishment, I know this. There is no greater hell than watching the one you love tear themselves apart on the command of someone they think is you. 

I saw the him talk to what he thought was me, he cried and begged and pleaded. He told them he wanted me, but here, alive. He said he didn’t want to die. I did everything I could to get his attention. I screamed and yelled and broke, I prayed he would see me. I prayed that I could save him. He kept calling my name then, crying and saying he would do it if I would come back to him. He’d do anything for me to come back.

I saw him get the gun, I tried everything I could to stop him. I told me time after time after time I didn’t want him to die. I needed him to live the life I threw away. He never heard though. I read everything he wrote, tracing the words as best I could with .

_I love you._

_I love you._

_I miss you._

_I’ll be with you soon._

I never gave up, I tried so hard. I watched him take out the gun, I prayed and cried and died a little more at every passing moment.

All it took was one shot, a loud bang straight through the head and he was with me.

_I never wanted you to die._


End file.
